Selected Entries From the Diary of Brittany Pierce
by fancykidx
Summary: "Maybe if I train Blaine I can introduce him to Kurt and they can have little puppy babies together." A sequel to Not Like the Movies, in which Brittany attempts to find Blaine someone to rub unicorn horns with.


**So this is a continuation of the story "Not Like the Movies." I don't know; I'm kind of diggin' on writing about the development between Blaine and Kurt through the eyes of a third party. And since I loved writing as Brittany so much in the first part, I decided to write as her in the second part, as well. There's going to be at least one more part after this (possibly more, because like I said, I'm diggin' on this), that I'm going to get started on tomorrow. I didn't expect this to get as much feedback as it did, so you guys are lucky. Hah. Enjoy.**

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><p>SELECTED ENTRIES FROM THE DIARY OF BRITTANY S. PIERCE<p>

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January 10

So Blaine told me that I should start taking notes when he talks to me in the library so I don't forget everything he says but I don't really know what I'm supposed to be taking notes on so I think I'm just going to write down everything. I saw that one movie about that girl who was a spy undercover in school or something and she used to write down everything she saw in that diary thing, so I started my other diary but Lord Tubbington kept reading it so I'm hiding this one in my backpack so he doesn't see it. I don't think he'd be interested in Shakespeare anyway.

But anyway, Blaine is this munchkin with curly hair, except he's more adorable than a munchkin because I saw that movie about wizards and something about Kansas and the munchkins were really scary looking and I took the DVD out and killed it and then felt bad and buried it. But he wears plaid shirts a lot and also sometimes gives me candy so maybe he is kind of a munchkin. He's also really smart, but not as smart as the wizard is. I think the wizard taught him, though. Not the one from the Kansas movie or the movie about the guy with no nose, but the other one. With all the short people who want the ring in the volcano, or something. Maybe Blaine is one of those. Except I don't think he really likes rings. He likes bowties, though.

Blaine just told me I need to stop writing and pay attention but I don't really know how I'm supposed to write down the things he says while paying attention because that's a lot of work and it's hard to listen and pay attention to the lines on this paper at the same time. I feel bad because I really like him and he's really nice and claps for me when I get an answer right so I'm trying but I think I'm missing everything he's saying.

Wait, he just said something about some guy hiding behind the curtain over the window. Now I'm really scared. If there's a guy hiding behind the curtain I don't want to be attacked or anything but Blaine keeps talking like there's nothing wrong so maybe there's nothing wrong. Maybe I'll go check behind the curtain just in case. But I don't have a knife with me or anything so I don't want to go and check and then be attacked because I have no protection.

/

January 10 (later)

Okay so I didn't go check behind the curtain which is a good thing because there wasn't actually a person behind it. Kurt walked into the library and I called him over and asked him if he had a bat or an ax or something but he just gave me a weirded out look and said no and asked me why. So I told him that there was a guy behind the curtain and I didn't want him to kill me or Blaine. Mostly Blaine because I was pretty sure that if I offered to make out with the guy he would spare my life, but Blaine couldn't do that because he was a dolphin and if there was a guy hiding behind the curtain he probably wasn't a dolphin because dolphins don't hide in the closet or behind beards so I didn't see why dolphins would hide behind anything else.

Anyway, Kurt looked at Blaine and asked him what was going on but Blaine didn't say anything and like, I notice that kind of thing because Blaine usually has an answer to everything because he was taught by wizards. Anyway I looked at Blaine and he was staring at Kurt with big eyes and an open mouth and he was really really _really_ red and at first I thought he was angry that Kurt was there because usually Blaine gets kind of annoyed when Santana comes to see me in the library and we make out because he doesn't like when people interrupt our studying. But then I noticed that he was trying to say something but it just sounded like Spanish or something. He just kept going "I-I-I" like when those Spanish people go "aye-aye-aye-aye-aye" in those songs.

So then I realized that Blaine was choking! It's why he couldn't breathe and why he was so red he matched my Cheerio uniform. I remembered that thing that I saw on the Travel Channel where if someone is choking you were supposed to breathe air into their mouths so I knew that I had to do that or else Blaine would die and I didn't want him to die because he was super sweet and gave me treats and also because I have an English paper due next week that he needed to help me with. Anyway, I leaned over to try and breathe air into his mouth but he moved backwards away from my mouth so hard that he fell out of his chair.

Kurt started laughing but I didn't think it was funny because Blaine was on the floor and I really thought he was dead and that I didn't save him in time but then he popped up really fast and he was even redder than before and was looking at me like I was crazy. And then he was all, "I thought I told you that I don't want to make out with you." And then I remembered that he was totally in love with Kurt and that he wasn't choking at all, he just wanted in Kurt's skintight pants, and that he totally thought I was trying to make out with him, which I wasn't, I was just trying to be a fireman. Or a police officer. One of those people that saves lives.

So I was like, "I thought you were dying." And that was probably a bad thing to say because Kurt started laughing even harder and Blaine was looking at him like he wasn't sure if he should smile because of how cute Kurt looks laughing (because he looks really cute, even if he's capital G Gay) or if he should crawl away on the floor because I knew he was super embarrassed because hello, he just fell out of a chair in front of another dolphin.

And then I heard this weird sound, and I remembered that there was a crazy murderer behind the curtain and I knew that he was going to make his move so I hid behind Kurt. Kurt asked me what was wrong, so I told him, because he's a guy and even if he's riding the rainbow he still has balls and between him and Blaine they could probably take down the murderer or at least stall him enough for me to run away. And then Blaine started laughing and then he tells me that there wasn't actually a person behind the curtain, he was talking about the play we were reading. Apparently some guy named Platypus was hiding behind a curtain listening in on someone's conversation and then he dies because I guess the curtain attacked him.

So then someone taps me on the shoulder and I jumped but it was the librarian and I realized that the weird sound I heard before was her shushing me because _oops_, we were in the library and Blaine is always telling me that we're not supposed to talk in the library which I don't understand because he's always talking to me when he's teaching me stuff but maybe it's because he's really smart. Maybe only really smart people are allowed to talk in the library so that they could share their smartness.

So then the librarian kicked us out because I think we were being too loud. I feel bad so tomorrow I'm going to give her this soup can that's been sitting in the cabinet in my kitchen. It's the kind with letters in it so I think she'll like it. Librarians like letter soup.

I also felt bad for getting Blaine kicked out because usually the librarian loves him and always gives him free books and also because he spends most of his time in the library anyway so it must suck to be kicked out of your house like that. So I introduced him to Kurt so that they could get their grind on. But Kurt told me that he knew who Blaine was because they sit next to each other in AP Bio and also he saw Blaine in that musical that I wanted to see but didn't because Rachel Berry was in it and she hurts my ears, and he told Blaine that he thought he was really good. Blaine looked really happy that Kurt knew who he was and I thought he was dying again because he got really red again but I think I'm going to stop thinking that Blaine is dying around Kurt because he is kind of dying because he's so in love but his heart's still beating, so he's okay, it just beats a little bit fast around Kurt.

I would be totally fine if they got their gay on. Kurt has really soft hands and Blaine has really rough hands (he said it's because he plays guitar but I think he was lying because every time I ask him to play it for me he gets really embarrassed and changes the topic) so it's like that white and black circle thing. I think it's called yo-yo. With like, the hard and soft. Except hopefully one day they both get hard with each other.

/

January 16

I was really sad today because Santana wouldn't kiss me in the hallway this morning so Blaine gave me a kiss on the cheek and said that I shouldn't be sad because I'm getting smarter. I think that's as close as I'll ever get to making out with him, so I'm going to cross him off my list. I, Brittany S. Pierce, have officially made out with every guy at this school. Except Jacob Ben Israel because he creeps me out and also I don't think he counts as a guy because whenever my friends talk about him they always call him "pervert" which I think is a kind of dog. But they don't call Blaine a pervert, even though Blaine's kind of like a dog because he's always really excited about everything, so I think a pervert is like those giant dogs that are really scary and attack people for no reason. Blaine's not like that. He's like those cute little dogs with really long bodies and short legs that look like hotdogs.

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January 16 (later)

I handed my paper on Shakespeare in and my teacher looked really surprised because normally I just hand in ripped out pages from the book with my name on the top so I told her that I had help from my hotdog. I don't think she knows who Blaine is because she looked really confused.

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January 18

Blaine finally played his guitar for me today. I was having a really hard time paying attention because Lord Tubbington kept texting me about a mouse he found under my bed and I didn't want the mouse to crawl into my mouth while I slept so I was telling him to get rid of it or give it cheese so I didn't have to worry about it being hungry for my skin and Blaine said that if I concentrated that he would play me a song and I was really excited so I paid attention. Then he brought me into the music room which I've never been in because I think Mr. Schue is like an older version of Jacob Ben Israel and pulled out his guitar and it made me laugh because his guitar is the size of his body because he's so fun size.

Anyway, he starts playing me a song and I don't know what it is but it's really pretty. He's got a really good voice and he moves his fingers really fast on the guitar and if he wasn't gay I'm pretty sure he would be really popular with girls because of that. But he _is_ gay so I think he should give lessons to straight guys so that they don't embarrass themselves in bed.

So then he finished playing and I pushed his guitar out of his lap and sat on it and I think he was freaked out but he let me do it anyway and he told me it was a song he wrote and that it was called "Don't You" and that he wrote it for a guy he liked. And I was really surprised because I didn't know that he could write like that because I thought he just knew about old people stuff like Shakespeare and monkeys but he knows how to write really good songs and I wish he told me that because then during our lessons I could have asked him to sing me songs to help me learn.

And then I told him that he was better than Kurt said he was, because I remembered Kurt told me he loved Blaine's voice in that musical and Blaine got really red and was smiling really wide and it made me really happy because Blaine is the nicest guy ever and he's the only guy that doesn't try to look up my skirt when I bend down (except for Kurt but I don't count him because he's already seen me changing in the locker room after Cheerio practice so I think he only doesn't look because he's seen it already), so I want to make him happy all the time.

He only looks that happy when someone mentions Kurt, though. I think he thinks he's being sneaky but he's doing really badly at it because he gets that look in his eyes that I get whenever I think about Santana or when Finn thinks about steak. It makes him look even more like a puppy. Maybe if I train him I can introduce him to Kurt and they can have little puppy babies together.

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January 24

I told Kurt today that I knew a hotdog he might like but he laughed at me and said that he doesn't eat hotdogs because they're unhealthy. But I told him that I'm pretty sure that if he knew the hotdog the way I knew the hotdog he would want his mouth on it all the time. He just stared at me.

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January 24 (later)

I asked Blaine if he wanted someone to put their mouth on him and he just laughed. I told him I didn't understand what was funny because Kurt's mouth is really soft and I think he would like it but he started coughing really hard and then he gave me a cookie and made me read about some guy who kept asking himself about being himself or not being himself and Blaine kept trying to tell me that it was a really famous passage from a really famous play but I talk to myself all the time and no one has written a play about me yet.

/

January 24 (even later)

I went home and tried to write a play about myself but writing is hard because there's just so many words so I drank root beer instead.

/

I don't know what day it is

This morning during practice the Cheerios asked me to go eat lunch with them but I said I couldn't because I had to go study with Blaine and he said he was going to give me worksheet that would be a piece of cake and I really like cake so I really wanted to go. But then they got all angry and started talking about Blaine and his glasses and bowties so I got really angry because they didn't know Blaine like I did and I knew that he got all of his powers from his glasses and bowties. Without them he would die like when that superhero guy sees green rock, except Blaine's more powerful because I was wearing a necklace with a green rock yesterday and he didn't even notice so Blaine's a better superhero.

I tried to tell them all that but they wouldn't listen to me so I got even more mad because no one talks about my baby gay like that. And then Kurt gets up and he's like, "shut up guys, Blaine's really nice, you should be thanking him for helping Brittany." And I go, "yeah." So then the Cheerios start teasing him about him being a dolphin and wanting Blaine's discostick, and he goes, "So what? He's kind of cute. In a tragically fashion-impaired kind of way."

Then after practice was over Kurt came over and told me to say hi to Blaine for him and then said that he was happy that Blaine's so nice to me and if someone was nice to me then that person was fine with him. I'm writing this down because I know I'm going to forget and I really really don't want to forget because I know it's going to make Blaine happy and

/

I still don't know what day it is but it's the same day still

I probably shouldn't have been writing that during math because now I have detention with Mr. Bradley after school and Coach Sylvester is mad because we have Cheerios practice and Regionals is in a month. I think she wants to shoot me out the cannon now, but I don't want to because I like my head a lot and I don't want it to come off. She said not to worry about it and she would take care of it so I'm going to see what happens. Maybe she'll give Mr. Bradley some pie because he's always talking about pies in class and drawing them on the board and stuff. I don't understand math.

Anyway now I'm sitting with Blaine in the library and his hair looks really funny and I can't focus on that girl drowning in this play. I think he got struck by lightning or something because his hair is all big and curly like those African guys that walk around with boomboxes and play drums. Except I didn't know that white guys could have hair like that. Especially Blaine because I don't think he even knows what a boombox is since I don't think he had electricity near the volcano. I keep trying to pet it but he keeps slapping my hand away and it kind of hurts so I think I'm going to stop. He didn't give me cake either. He said "piece of cake" was just a figure of speech but I think he just wanted the cake all to himself.

Also, Blaine says it's January 30.

/

January 30

I'm really angry.

/

January 30 still

I'm still really angry but this time I have gummy bears so I'm not as angry.

/

January 30 again

Okay I'm not so angry anymore so I'm going to tell you what happened. After school today I went to Mr. Bradley's room to do my detention and when I got in there Coach Sylvester was in there and told me that there was an accident and Mr. Bradley was in the hospital so I didn't have detention. She looked really happy about it for some reason, but I didn't ask her anything because I was going to be late to Cheerios if I didn't hurry up and she would make me do pushups on top of the fence again and I didn't want to do that so I just walked out.

Then when I was walking out I saw Blaine talking to Karofsky, who I really don't like because that one time we made out he kept trying to feel me up even though I told him I didn't like how big his hands were. Anyway I didn't know that he and Blaine were friends so I figured if Blaine liked him then he had to be an okay person.

I started walking up to them but then Karofsky threw a slushy in Blaine's face! It was green and that one is my least favorite because it looked like frozen boogers and that's really gross. So I ran over there and yelled at Karofsky and told him that he was a jerk and that I was going to tell the Cheerios to stop making out with him and he got really angry I think because he looked at Blaine and was all, "how does it feel knowing that you're not enough of a man to defend yourself and have to have a girl do it for you, fag?" And I don't know what that word means but I saw Blaine get really tense and look down at his feet like he was trying hard not to cry. So I kicked Karofsky's meat sword and grabbed Blaine's hand and led him into the girl's bathroom.

He looked really sad and that made _me_ really sad because he shouldn't feel sad. So I pulled out my phone and called Kurt because he knew how to handle stains better than I did and also because Blaine is always happy around Kurt. While we were waiting Blaine kept trying to apologize and I wasn't sure why because he didn't do anything wrong and Karofsky just didn't respect him the way he should have been respected, so I made him sit down and told him stories about making out with boys because he was gay and I thought that he might like that, but he got even sadder I think so I asked him to tell me about boys that he's made out with and he said that he hasn't made out with anyone yet. And I didn't believe him because he's got really soft looking lips too but he said that no one wants to make out with him because he wasn't popular and people thought he was weird. So I told him that he wasn't weird, he was just a unicorn and that he just had to wait for another special unicorn to rub horns with.

Then Kurt walked in and Blaine got really flustered and stood up and started wiping the dirt off the back of his pants, which was really funny because he was already covered in slushy so it wasn't going to do anything. Kurt looked really angry and at first I thought he was going to yell at Blaine or me because Cheerios was going to start in 10 minutes and he hates doing pushups on the fence even more than I do but then he asked who did it and when I said it was Karofsky he started cursing. He hates Karofsky, too. So then he took a wet paper towel and started to wipe off the slushy from Blaine's face and Blaine got so _red_ and I asked him if he was going to explode but he said no. Kurt kept talking to him about how he was going to get Coach Sylvester to murder Karofsky and how he was lucky because the green slushy was the one that stained the least and that his shirt would be clean if he put it through the laundry twice but Blaine wasn't saying anything and kept looking at Kurt like he was an alien or something else he'd never seen before.

So I held Blaine's hand and told him that Kurt says hi. They both looked at me weird, so I told Blaine that Kurt told me that morning to say hi to him, I just forgot, and that Kurt likes him because he's nice to me and I like him because he's nice to me and he respects my boobs and under the skirt area that Santana said was all hers. And Blaine got this really happy smile on his face and looked at Kurt and was all, "Thank you." And Kurt stopped and they were just staring at each other for a few seconds and I felt really awkward so I asked them if they could stare at me too.

Kurt finally looked at me and he was all, "go to Cheerios, I don't want you to be late" and I asked him what about him because I didn't want him to be late either but he said "I'm okay here, I'll let Coach Sylvester know what happened."

So then I left and I wasn't late which was really great and I told all the other Cheerios that Karofsky's a jerk and that they weren't allowed to hook up with him anymore. I think they were happy about that because Karofsky always smells like gross sweat and grass anyway. When Kurt came back Coach was yelling at him and threatening to throw him off the bleachers but he went over to her and talked to her. I don't know what he said because I wasn't close enough to hear but Coach yelled for me to come over.

I didn't want to go over because I thought she was mad at me so I pretended that I was Blaine who was always really smart and knew the answer to everything so no one would ever get mad at him (except for Karofsky I guess, but Karofsky is stupid so I think he was just jealous) and walked over there. Coach asked me if I liked Blaine Anderson and I smiled really wide and told her that he was my munchkin hotdog that likes bowties and that I really liked learning from him because it was like I was learning from that one Asian guy about that movie with the white guy learning karate by waxing. She asked me what my grades were like after learning from him and I told her that I got a B- on my latest paper and she was really shocked because normally I get grades that are so low that they don't even put a grade on my paper.

So then she looks at me and Kurt and she goes, "if this Adrien Grenier impersonator takes care of one of my Cheerios the way you say he does, then I will begrudgingly accept your tardiness during this crucial training season. However, if it were to happen again, I will personally make sure that barbed wire is added to the top of the fence on which you will be doing extra pushups. Now get out of my sight."

I think this means that Coach likes Blaine, which is really good because Coach doesn't like a lot of people. It makes me happy that people like Blaine, because he's starting to become one of my favorite people ever (except for Santana but I don't think she counts because Blaine doesn't kiss my lady parts the way Santana does so I think that gives her an advantage) and I want to be his friend outside of the library.

/

January 31

Today I got Blaine to stop our lesson and have lunch with me in the cafeteria. The Cheerios were really angry because they didn't think that Blaine should sit with us, so I pulled Blaine to an empty table and sat with him there. He looked really uncomfortable and told me that he could just go back to the library if I wanted to sit with my friends but I told him no because he's nicer to me than they are anyway and his hair was all big and pouffy again and I really didn't want them to put stuff in it.

So then Santana came over and at first she tried to convince me that I should go back to the Cheerio table, but I said that Blaine was a special dolphin that needed someone to play with so she sat down and was nicer. Then Kurt sat down with us and Blaine turned really red when they said hello to each other, so I think he was nervous, but then Kurt said something about that magazine he's always reading with the expensive clothes and pretty girls and him and Blaine couldn't stop talking so I just watched them because it was funny seeing Blaine be so excited about something that wasn't dead guys' plays or dead writers' books and he looked really happy. So after lunch was over I gave him a really big hug and told him he should talk to dolphins more often and he and Kurt and Santana laughed at me but I didn't care because my baby gay was happy and he had found a dolphin to play with.

/

January 21 (later)

After Cheerio practice was over, I asked Kurt if instead of dolphin friends he and Blaine could be extra special unicorn friends that rubbed horns with each other because Blaine's never had anyone to rub horns with before and he needs a special unicorn that knows how much of a special unicorn _he_ is, because he _is._

Kurt laughed and told me to finish getting changed, but I watched him from behind my locker door and he had a really wide smile on his face and he was as red as Blaine was that first day they met. I think I did good!


End file.
